My adrenaline wouldn't stop for a few days after hearing my families' voices. I felt like like if you stuck me in a boxing ring, I’d definitely win the match. I literally feel like the man who was paralyzed and his friends lowered him through the roof to help get him closer to Jesus and Jesus healed him. He picked up his mat and glorified God. I can feel and envision his joy! Sometimes in life we are healed miraculously. Sometimes we are healed through medical advancements and technology. Either way, we all need friends like this who will help us get through life. Thank you to each and every one of you who have been part of my story esp to the ones who love like this...who know how to lower a mat through the roof. Not for a pat on the back, but because you truly know how to love well. And for Jesus... will always stop to dance with joy and give thanks to my Healer, my King.
Biggest question I am getting right now is, "What can you hear?" or "Can you hear that?" The answer...I hear so many beeps. A beep for every sound. Some beeps are a sound and a beep. I text Joe at work the other day asking him what hums because I was sitting in my living room and was hearing a nonstop humming sound. Apparently, lots of things hum. I walked room to room trying to figure what in the heck was humming. It ended up being the portable heater about 12 ft away in the other room. Now that I matched the sound with the noise, it has become "background noise" and isn't a "drive me crazy noise" if that makes sense. I can hear the dryer turning from the other room! That's new for me. I used only be able to hear it if I was standing next to it. I have always asked my kiddos or Joe if the washer and dryer were done to save me a trip to see if it was bc they can obviously hear it. Things you do when you are hearing impaired to hear in a hearing world. You learn to compensate to overcome. So now when I hear a new sound I need to match it, so my brain knows what the new sound is and registers it, so when I hear it, I know what it is.
Here is the thing I am noticing...my brain is processing sounds quicker right now that have been familiar my entire life like my families' voices or songs I have memorized. I can hear a piano within a song. My dad is an amazing pianist and I spent my entire life listening to him play. When I was a toddler, I would lay on the floor behind the piano to feel the vibration of it on the floor. It was a warning and an indicator to my parents that I definitely was not hearing. It actually one of my favorite memories from growing up...listening to my dad play. Now I'm grateful he spent many hours behind that piano filling the house with music because it's a sound my brain remembers now so well. Hence, why my brain is picking up and processing the piano within music on Alexia because it knows that sound.
The brain is fascinating. It remembers. It processes. It wires and rewires. My youngest is adopted and faced neglect, malnutrition, and trauma, so I've spent so much time reading about the brain and how it wires and rewires. Who knew that research would actually help me understand this even more. I FaceTimed my brother and his family a few days after it was activated. My brother’s voice whom I've heard my whole life via a hearing aids was all words. My sister in law was highs beeps with a voice overlaying the beeps, but no clear words yet. Nieces were the same, but quieter beeps. I can hear my own voice, but it's within me and not outside of me. I can't figure out how to explain this. I keep saying, "I can hear myself!" When I take out my hearing aid, I can't hear myself. Nada. Nothing. When I have the processor on, I can hear myself talk, but it's not like I've heard myself before. Craziest thing ever! I can hear myself! My family has already mentioned that my speech has improved already. It’s just gonna take time to work and for me to adjust and learn these new sounds.
Emotionally and physically...I’m exhausted. It's so much input. My brain is tired. I am sleeping more. Little by little, I know I will enter into a whole new world of hearing. I've cried almost everyday. Tears of joy and tears of loss. In a strange way, it's like a backwards loss of realizing what you've missed your entire life. Not complaining or having a poor me attitude, but giving myself grace and permission to grieve and have joy siamotainously. On a fun note...playing with my hair and processor. With waves, you can't see it. Straight hair you see a bump. I'll do another post on that soon because one question my friends ask is, "Can I see it?" Sure. Joseph keeps kissing me and telling me to wear it with pride. So I am...
Much love and one change a day...
~Aime Beth