How To Bring Intimacy Back...Part 1


A couple years ago, we did a "Family Matters Date Night" at our church where Joe and I spoke about the top 3 issues he counsels in marriage counseling. It was a fun night of investing into our marriages because let’s be honest, marriage can be hard and if you want a thriving marriage, you have to work at it. We asked the couples there what questions they would like addressed. One of the questions was:

How Do We Bring Intimacy Back Into Our Marriage? When we first got married, I was18 and he was 20 and ya all, we had sex all.the.time. Young, married, living in our cute, little, yellow, 700 square foot house, there was only so much you could do in that tiny house, so we went to class, went to work, had sex. Now my kids might be reading this and are probably mortified.

Fast forward, 4 years and the honeymoon phase was over. We graduated college, moved, changed jobs, and had our first baby. Ladies, post baby, my body…I seriously wondered if it would ever go back to the way it was after carrying a live human being in it for 9 months. I produced so much milk, I could’ve sold milk for a living. My boobs were like sprinklers and I was constantly leaking through every shirt I owned. Yeah, I felt real sexy. Then baby number one didn’t sleep for 3 years! Yes, you read that right. Three whole years! This kid acted like every night was a slumber party and both Joe and I were invited. Then baby number 2 showed up and you know what, she slept through the night by 3 weeks like it was nobody’s business. I thought for sure something was wrong with her, so instead of sleeping, I stood over her and made sure she was breathing. Joe and I were so tired that in every picture we have of those days, we actually looked like we were on drugs. So let’s just say our sex life was not like it was in that little yellow house anymore. Can you relate? So how do we bring back intimacy into our marriage?

1) Identify the Issue Life, marriage, and our sex lives go through different seasons because of babies, job schedules, health issues, stress, crisis, broken trust, past issues, physiological changes, exhaustion, or just even plain laziness or lack of effort. First, you need to identify the reason behind the lack of intimacy and honestly, talk about it together. Some of these issues may take more time to overcome than others, but the key is not to make it a long-term excuse with exception of some cases like health issues. 2) Connect and Help Each Other Text, call, Facetime, meet for lunch, flirt, compliment, check in, send that sexy picture, leave notes. Point is pursue each other and connect with one another throughout the day. Help each other get things done that need to be done. Look for ways to help and serve one another everyday. Husbands start helping in the kitchen, running the sweeper, making the bed and see if your wife all the sudden doesn’t think you are the best thing around since sliced bread. It is easier to have sex when we feel connected and not doing life alone. Communication plays a huge role into how good your sex life is. Hint: Talk nicely to and about one another. If you aren’t connected during the day, it’s harder to connect at night or at any other spontaneous time for that matter. 3) Love Your body Ladies, let’s face it, our bodies change, but let me give you inside information…Our husbands find it sexy when we love our bodies and feel sexy. I am all about taking care of yourself, exercising, and eating healthy to be the best you, you can be, but while you have those extra 5-10 pounds, embrace it and don’t point out every flaw you think you see, and quit comparing yourself to an ideal what you think you should be. So flaunt what you got! Over time, you will start to believe it. One step further, light a candle or turn on lights, so he can actually see you!

4) Focus on the Other Person When sex is selfish is when sex becomes a chore or no fun any more. Husbands slow down. Seriously, nobody is in a race here. Focus on pleasing your wife. Find out what turns her on. If you make it your goal for both of you have great sex, it is amazing how that alone can transform intimacy. Guys you are gonna have to let ladies go first because typically that’s how we are wired. So get on the same page, talk these things through, and focus on the other person. Selfish sex is for the birds.

5) Have fun, Loosen up, Be creative I am gonna be honest here and talk frank. We don’t talk about this topic nearly enough. If you have had the same lingerie for 5 years, by all means, go buy something fun and new. This does not have to cost you an arm and leg. Go buy a cheap pair of sexy panties at Target and a set of play necklaces at the dollar store or whatever creative outfit you can put together from what you have at home. Get comfortable with being creative. Make a sex board game. Take two jars and put what each of you want for sex that night and draw from each other’s jar. Try every position, check off rooms in your house, dirty talk, sex toys, lingerie…you get the point. It does not have to be this way every time, but usually changing things up makes it more fun and exciting. If it turns you on, try it. Be creative as long as it is honoring the monogamous marriage bed. On another note, pornography is a no go on all levels. If it has entered your marriage, get it out. It is evil, uses people as objects, and destroys relationships. There is just no way around this. 6) 14 days of Sex Make time for it. Plan it. Initiate it. We were challenged to make it a goal to have sex 14 consecutive days in a row. We’ve done this. Go for it. When you commit to having sex, you know what…you end up wanting more sex. God created sex and it draws closer to your spouse in numerous of ways. So talk these things through, implement the points above, and see if you bring intimacy back.

7) Deeper Issues If you are in a normal sex rut, read "Sheet Music" by Kevin Leman. If there are deeper underlining issues, seek counseling. One Change a Day, ~Aime Beth